We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize