Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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