He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
