just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
