So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
