it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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