I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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