Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
