Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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