What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
