I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
