Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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