When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
