The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
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