oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I need to calm my uterus...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
