A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
