Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
