I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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