Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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