ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
