i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
