my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
