ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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