I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
