She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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