Jerry, you need to find god
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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