smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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