Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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