your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Of course I have a pirate flag
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
