I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
