Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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