I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
