Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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