She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You left your phone here
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