God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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