My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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