hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
