1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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