i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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