My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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