my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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