If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
