It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Are my feet made of real feet?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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