I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
