Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
