you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize