haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
