We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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