Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
