matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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