he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
