i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize