You're so nebulous sometimes
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
