Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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