okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
