you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i've created a new STD.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
