I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
