Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
