i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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