i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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