The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
