I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
