Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
