We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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