I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
