I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
