Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
