why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Help. Why am I so naked?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
