I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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