youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
