Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
